Chores: A Lens Shift Experiment
Exploring the power of a single word.
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I talk a lot about lens shifts—or, if you prefer, frame shifts or frame adjustments—in Visible Child. I do that because I genuinely believe it’s the key that unlocks the door. Or one of the locks, anyway. I don’t know how many locks you have on there, or how complicated they are. It’s a bigger job for some than others, I’ll give you that.
Maybe you want to parent differently from those who raised you. That doesn’t have to be a rejection or condemnation, by the way, even if sometimes our relatives can feel that way. We can be grateful (or not)—or appreciate pieces, however small—of the ways we were raised. And we can still, as adults, decide that we want to experiment with a different sort of relationship with our children. Two things can exist at the same time: Gratitude—or even simple acknowledgement—and Trying Something New.
So how do we do it? How do we shift our lens? How do we change how we view our relationships with children?
Bit by bit. Thought by thought. Word by word.
It reminds me of the wonderful book “Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life” by Anne Lamott. Here’s what she shared about the origin of the book title:
“Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he’d had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table, close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother’s shoulder, and said, ‘Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.’”
So, not to be overly derivative or cutesy, I’m encouraging you to embrace the same principle, but with a handy rhyme: Word by word. Clever, eh? (It was accidental, but I like it!)
Remember: You don’t have to change or adopt every idea presented to you. You don’t have to decide what “parenting style” you’re adopting. You don’t have to change every interaction, everything you say, everything you do. You can just do one thing. See how it feels. See what happens. See if you like it. See if it starts to resonate, to feel warm in your belly, like “Ah, this feels right, like the kind of relationship I want to have with my kids.” If it doesn’t, you can always go back to what you were doing or thinking or believing before. If it does, just sit with it for a bit. Keep doing it. And then, when you’re ready, try another bird.
Today is one of those days. I want to invite you to one small lens shift. One that begins with only one word: Want.
By way of explanation, a little story, a little context…
Yesterday, I was in a consult. As has happened many times before, we wound up talking about chores. Or perhaps I should say “chores” since the word itself is kind of tricky.
As some of you know, when people ask about “chores”, I have been known to give a slightly perfunctory answer: “I don’t really believe in chores.” or “I didn’t really do the chores things (as a parent.)”. To be honest, I’m probably most likely to say that when I’m tired, or not so inclined to explain, because it’s admittedly vague and leads to misunderstanding. I don’t tend to say that sort of thing in one-on-one conversations with parents because, fortunately, the coaching relationship lends itself to far more nuance and collaboration!
So what is my position on chores and what does it have to do with a one-word lens shift? And what exactly do I recommend that parents do to motivate children to help out?
