Exploring Trust

Probably the first of many

Yeah, so today, we’re going deep and personal.

Maybe—probably—it’s just the emotional state I’m in today. I don’t usually write here from this vulnerable emotional space. Maybe I should do that more. I usually talk about child development and relationships with kids. And sometimes, just sometimes, the worlds—personal and professional—collide. This appears to be one of those days.

So I want to talk about trust, as one of the pillars of Visible Child, and indeed of any intimate connected relationship. Which of course includes our relationships with our children. As most of us can likely testify, there is no more intimate relationship, so it’s right up there at the top of the list.

Here’s where it gets dicey. To talk about trust, we have to talk about attachment. And to talk about attachment, we have to talk about infancy. And when we talk about infancy, many of us feel an intense pressure, as if infancy is “do or die.” Those of us who struggled during our children’s first year of life pick up our metaphorical bayonets to fight off the perceived attack, the implication that if we didn’t do it perfectly then, our children’s fate is sealed. Others cling mercilessly to the comforting tenets and reassurance of “attachment parenting”, an approach that is not particularly aligned with “attachment theory,” (the science of attachment that resides within the research realm in child development and developmental psychology,) which is the bench I solidly sit upon. Attachment parenting surely has the best of intentions and there is wisdom within it, even as the nitpickers among us (myself included) are well equipped to point out its foibles. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it “reassure” parents, especially mothers, that “attachment” is something we need to be either attentive to or scared of throughout a child’s lifetime. I’ve seen it make people so afraid of “insecure attachment” that many parents exhaust themselves and ignore their own self-care and boundaries out of [an unmerited] fear of damaging their child.

So, first off, a couple quick reminders about attachment. One of the most important of these is the reminder that attachment does not reside in a person, it resides in a dyad. There is no such thing as a “securely attached child”—or an adult for that matter. Your child, and you, and I, and your spouse—you are not “anxiously attached” or “securely attached”, as if it is an immutable characteristic that lives within you, your heart, and your mind. If you had an inconsistent or unreliable or chaotic attachment figure during infancy, what you may have developed is a relationship with that person that is characterized by insecure attachment. You may have had a relationship characterized by secure attachment with another person—a grandparent, a caregiver, a much older sibling, anyone who cared for you. The attachment “classification” (which, I remind you, is a research term that was never meant to be used or determined casually) describes your relationship with one person. And the same is true for your child(ren). You have a relationship with each of your children that is one of secure attachment or one of the varieties of insecure attachment (which, despite the fearmongering, I assure you is not a harbinger of doom or a sentence to an untenable life.) And your children also have relationships with others—child care providers, primary caregivers, other parents, grandparents, and more. And each of those relationships has its own impact on attachment.

One secure attachment—with anyone—is protective, from a mental health perspective. So if it wasn’t you, maybe it was someone else. And if it wasn’t anyone that had a relationship that was reliable, consistent, and responsive, then yes, your child may not have some of the advantages that come with secure attachment. That’s okay.

Yes, I know that there are numerous self-help books out there about repairing your attachment, or becoming securely attached as an adult. Lots of people talking on the interwebs about how important it is to have open and respectful relationships with children at 7 or 10 or 16, in order to “promote secure attachment.” So let me just say that if you find those sorts of books or articles helpful, and they result in stronger relationships with your kids, that’s great, more power to you. Speaking as a lifelong child development professional, all I can really say is, first, that it’s in the interest of authors and companies and therapists for you to feel self-actualized and hopeful. Don’t get me wrong, those are good things, no argument from me, and they are marketing nonetheless. The other thing that I can say is that, with very limited exceptions, we’ve got what we’ve got. What we can develop is adaptive, regulated, coping strategies and a path of healing for our own early childhoods. In all likelihood, it won’t change our foundation—it will just keep the foundation from entirely ruling all of our interactions and relationships. Still a terrific goal, to be sure. And we are what we are.

Once again, let me say that I know that talking about this whole “what you do in the first year of life is critical”, or “80% of brain development is completed by three, 90% or more by five, so early childhood is a really important time for us as parents” gets people’s backs up. “No pressure.” “Way to make parents feel guilty.” You get the idea. It’s a bind for a person like me. I have no desire for parents to feel pressured or guilty—that’s ironically detrimental to the whole goal of loving, responsive, “good enough” relationships. And at the same time, if there is something that has been consistently demonstrated to be true by the field of child development, I feel an obligation to at least let you know about those things— so that you can do with them what you will or what you are able.

So here’s where it gets personal. The other side of the collision.