Okay?
One of the problems with children "listening"
It’s great to talk about “going upstream” and how to stop children from hitting or hat to say when a child is having a meltdown. It’s great, and it’s complicated, and often time-consuming.
In contrast, sometimes it’s similarly useful to have one simple tool that we can practice, something small that can really make a difference. So I want to invite you into that space today, and talk about a little thing that most of us do and almost none of us think about.
One of the tenets of respectful parenting and Visible Child is examining our own contributions. Rather than focusing on what’s wrong with our kids, or how to get them to pick up their socks or speak to us and each other with more kindness, we focus on how we might be contributing to the problem in front of us. Now, that’s not to say that the child doesn’t own part of it. It’s not “all our fault.” It’s more that every interaction between any two or more people is impacted by the dynamic, system, or history that characterize the relationship. It doesn’t mean our part is the only part. It means that we always have a part. And above all, it means that our part is the one that we actually have the most ability to change. You know the old adage—you can’t change other people, you can only change yourself. Well, yeah, that’s true with kids too.
Now, undoing longstanding habits or socialized ways of interaction—female socialization in particular, because that’s where most of this shows up, like it or not—is not a simple task. It demands, first, that we notice. So that’s your assignment here. Just notice. That’s the first step. We can’t name our contribution if we don’t notice it or acknowledge it. So that’s where we start.
Probably the most common challenge coming from parents is “they don’t listen”, which usually is some combination of feeling like we are literally being ignored and using “listening” as a synonym for obedience.
“I asked him to go get his shoes. I asked again. And again. And he just went on playing. He’s six, he can go get his shoes when I ask!”
Ah. There it is. When I “ask.”
Are you asking? Or are you making a request? They’re not the same.
As I write, I can hear some of you saying “I’m making a request. I’m telling him to go get his shoes.”
Are you? Sure, maybe you are. And in my experience, a lot of times, you’re not.
