When Is A Question Not A Question?

There are many reasons children ask questions....

When is a question not a question? There are so many times when a question is not a question, and that seems like an important thing to think about (at least to me) as a parents of children with curious minds AND emotions. So...when IS a question not a question?

A question is sometimes a way of starting a conversation. They aren't actually seeking answers, but they are wanting to talk together and they may not be sophisticated enough or at a developmental stage when they fully understand how to initiate a conversation (heck, some adults don't know how to do that). But they do know that you can initiate an interaction and start a back and forth by asking questions. So if they want your attention, or they are craving connection, or they are experimenting with the idea of conversation, they might ask questions and either seem not very interested or attentive to answers, or they may repeat the question over and over again (a good clue). In those times, you can keep in mind that it's probably NOT a question in the way that we might think of questions.

A question is also sometimes an emotional expression. Sometimes it's a way of saying "all of this stuff is so big and so hard to understand and I want to understand everything but I can't because everything is so confusing." And the reason it might be confusing is because it may be more abstract than they can handle at their age or developmental level, or it may just be that their brains are racing very fast, and the questions are rolling out, but they are scarcely even taking time to think about whether these are things they really want to know (or if they're even really capable of understanding them). In a time like that, they're not really asking the questions--the questions are more of an emotional expression of the feeling of curiosity or being on the edge of some sort of cognitive shift and things are starting to "look different" in their minds and they can't make sense of it.

Sometimes a question or questions are simply ways to keep you engaged and connected, so it may be best to respond to them not with answers, but with intensive and undistracted connection (at which time the questions sometimes cease).

Sometimes a question is just curiosity bubbling out. In these cases, turning questions around, and asking them what they think is a great tool. They often have wondrous, creative, brilliant, wacky answers--it doesn't matter if they're right or not--that let us in to the way they think and teach us a lot about who our kids are and where they are in their development.

And sometimes a question really is a question, desiring an answer.

How do you tell? You tell by the way in which they listen to the answers, the ways in which they are willing to really engage in finding or thinking about answers, whether they "glaze over" as soon as you start to explain, how quickly they move from question to question, the level of emotion/demand behind their question, how repetitive the questions are, how explanations may or may not seem to provide relief, and how relevant the questions and answers are to the child's developmental level and corresponding cognitive development (ability to think abstractly, for example, which is not present in early childhood).

Observe. Pay close attention. Is it really a question? Or are they wanting to engage in conversation? Or are they needing your attention? Are they trying to tell you that you’re distracted or looking at your phone? Are they overstimulated? There are so many possibilities. If it is a real question, answer it. If it’s not, meet the need that is being expressed.